Limp Bizkit: Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (2000)

This album puts the "Limp" in Limp Bizkit

 You know, I've reviewed a lot of terrible music at this point. There have been songs played badly out of time, songs about the evils of pleasuring yourself, a Kidz Bop catastrophe, and a few Nickelback albums. And even though I was reviewing terrible stuff, it wasn't usually too painful to get through those works. I was totally fine... although my friends were a little concerned when I started listening to whatever this is.

So when I started writing this review a few months ago, I figured it would be pretty much the same thing. I've seen other people on YouTube rip on this band before, so I figured why not? I went into this album hoping for something that was so bad it was good, like what The Room is to bad films.

I have underestimated the powers of Fred Durst...

Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few "so bad it's good" moments on this album. "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" is a big, loud, dumb guitar song that's so full of itself that it's almost lovable again. Likewise, there's an abundance of edgy moments on this 18 year old album that aged about as well as other things we're ashamed of from the early 2000s... like Furbies.

But the thing about an album being "so bad it's good" is that it's still bad. Sure, The Room may have a lot of unintentionally funny moments, but at the end of the day, you're still watching a film with terrible acting and a confusing plot. Likewise, every time I go into Chocolate Starfish, I expect it to be enjoyable just on an ironic level. That feeling lasts about 20 minutes. Once you realize what you're listening to, the rest of the album’s lengthy run time is just pure masochism. I'm honestly worried if I listen to this album enough times, I'm going to start slamming doors and yelling that my parents just don't understand me.

Let’s get this review started...

Track 1: Intro

This album starts with a synthesized voice.

This is not a test, this is reality

I’ll take fantasy, please! 

         Limp Bizkit is in the house

Get out my house!

Track 2: Hot Dog

If you don’t like swearing, you are not going to love this album.

The song itself features verses such as this:

Fucked up Mom

Fucked up Dad

Fucked up cop with a fucked up badge

Lines like this make me ask questions… questions such as: “is there anything that isn’t fucked up?” or “Durst knows there’s other words in English, right?”

I’m not really a prude when it comes to swearing, but there’s a way to use it well. In this song alone, some form of the word “fuck” is used 45 times! I know Durst thinks he sounds like a badass, but I just hear this. This man is in dire need of a thesaurus!

Moving on to the chorus, I can’t help but think these lines seem familiar to me. Almost like I’ve seen lyrics like this in another song...

You wanna fuck me like an animal

You’d like to burn me on the inside

… Hey!

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then what does that mean copying is? Because this song uses a chorus more than a little similar to the chorus from Nine Inch Nail’s song “Closer”:

I want to fuck you like an animal

I want to feel you from the inside

And to be honest, I just don’t get why it’s here. The original song was about causal sex told in a very unsettling way. But this song is just about complaining about the various annoyances of every day life. As far as I can tell, Durst took the original chorus from the Nine Inch Nails’ song and rewrote it to satisfy his own victim complex.

Track 3: My Generation

Speaking of using ideas from other songs, Limp Bizkit decided to put their own interpretation on The Who's classic track "My Generation." I hesitate to call it a cover because it isn't so much a cover of the original as much as it's a response to the original track. It's similar to how Rivers Cuomo wrote "In the Garage" as a response to the Beach Boys' song "In My Room."  In the case of that song, Rivers builds on the Beach Boys' track by turning a song about spending a little time alone in one's room into a song about doing geeky things in private without fearing being judged.

Limp Bizkit, not so much.  Durst just uses "My Generation" it to write himself and his fans as misunderstood victims.

...Hooray?

And as much as I wish this were the last time Durst "interpreted" a song by The Who, it... kind of wasn't.

Track 4: Full Nelson

Never let it be said that Durst was a great lyricist. Take the line below for instance:

Cause your mouth wrote a check that your ass can’t cash

Fred has such a way with words!

Uh, Fred? That’s not how cashing checks works. Do you know how hard it is to hold a pen in your mouth and sign your name?

More importantly, how do I even respond to a line so nonsensically stupid? I know this is supposed to be threatening, but I’m laughing too much at this line to be afraid. If you’re going to be threatening, is it too much to ask for the threat to make sense?

Track 5: My Way

Well, at least it starts less aggressively than the other tracks on this album. The guitar playing is a little simpler than I like here, though that seems to be the style of Nu Metal. The band behind Durst is the strongest part of the song.

The verses are just a single guitar played through a fuzz and chorus pedal, the drums, and a sample repeating “check out my melody”. I’m actually a little curious about guitarist Wes Borland’s pedal setup now.

The chorus drops the sample while the guitars are loud and distorted, and the drums play louder. The playing is simple, but it does a decent job of filling out the chorus. Like most alternative rock, it’s using the Pixies’ soft verses, loud choruses format. With a capable singer, the basic arrangement could have really let the vocals shine.

And now for the disappointing part: the lyrics!

         Yeah,

         This time I'm'a let it all come out

         This time I'm'a stand up and shout

         I'm'a do things my way

         It's my way

         My way or the highway 

I think Durst wanted to come off as a badass, but the chorus comes off as very childish instead. How many kids have you met who either want something their way, or no way at all? It’s a very “all or nothing” attitude. Durst must be a terrible negotiator!

Also, how do you know the other person in this song isn’t waiting on you to come around to their way of thinking? Then you'd get caught in an infinite loop, both waiting for the other guy to budge... and the last thing you want to do is listen to an infinite loop of Limp Bizkit!

Track 6: Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)

I can’t help it. This song is so stupid, I can’t help but love it a little.

This song is just so big and full of itself. Everything from the gloating lyrics to the big dumb guitars make for a song I enjoy more than I should.

My favorite is how Durst deals with the “haters”

You can’t mess with Limp Bizkit!

Why?

Cause we get it on!

When?

Every day and every night!

Oh!

That’s not a reason, dude. I’m not really sure what that is. But the song just carries on like this is a solid argument.

With the right mindset, this song is a lot of fun. For all the wrong reasons...

Track 7: Livin’ it Up

This song starts with one of the most confounding dedications I’ve heard:

This dedicated to you, Ben Stiller!

You’re my favorite motherfucker!

Um, yeah… Ben probably isn’t listening back.

Durst calls himself "the chocolate starfish" in this track. Great, we get it: you're an asshole!

        Chocolate Starfish Navigation
 
Actually, what the hell is "chocolate starfish navigation"? Is it Durst's limo driver? Is someone actually driving his ass? The lyrics, Mason! What do they mean?!

This song samples “Life in the Fast Lane” by the Eagles... a song about how living it up in Los Angeles can make you lose your mind. It's safe to say that Durst doesn't understand the meanings of the songs he uses...

Track 8: The One

Of all the people to make a love song about finding the one, Fred Durst is not the guy I would have expected. When did Durst get a romantic side?

Well, at least it isn’t as unsettling as “Just Four”

The second part of this song, meanwhile, follows the Honeymoon. Oh joy!

I want you to stay, and blow me away

Yeah, that’s pretty much what you think it is. Ech!

Track 9: Getcha Groove On

This is just a straight hip hop track.

Songs like “Getcha Groove On” are the reason I don’t like hip hop. I know there’s hip hop that’s more about a social commentary, but this is just nothing but Durst and the guest rapper bragging about how "tough" they think they are. And it’s just not a good look for most people.

Track 10: Take a Look Around

Limp Bizkit’s cover of the Mission: Impossible theme. Of all the bands of the early 2000s, why the shit did they pick Limp Bizkit to cover the theme?

         Life is a lesson, you learn it when it's through

When your life is through, you're dead. You can't learn much when you're dead. This song needed a proofreader.

The first time I listened to this album, it took me a minute to figure out why the melody sounded familiar. It wasn't until close to the end when I finally figured out what I was listening to. Then I felt disappointed.

Track 11: It’ll Be OK

At this point, those Nickelback albums are almost starting to seem good-- At least they were mercifully short-- and if Chocolate Starfish is making me want to listen to Nickelback, I must be in deep trouble!

I’m starting to feel the album drag around 42 minutes. One the one hand, I don’t usually have the patience to make through a double album. However, I’ve listened to albums that can keep me engaged 50, 60, or even 70 minutes in.

Durst’s vocal performance in the chorus is really monotone. I would have appreciated a little variation for the sake of keeping my attention.

Track 12: Boiler

Just remember that a grown man writes all these song lyrics:

I crawled up your butt somehow

They need a new song writer.

This album needs some variety. I swear it’s the same song every time.

There's a hidden track after the 5 minute mark. I'm just calling it "Interlude With 'Ludes"  

       Think about everything you've heard

Considering all the brain cells I’ve already lost listening to Chocolate Starfish, I don’t think I’ll be doing much thinking after this...

Track 13: Hold On

To be honest, this is a pretty decent track. Durst doesn’t sound squeaky, which is a nice change of pace. It’s almost as if a completely different person is sing--

[One Wikipedia search later]

Scott Weiland, who you may know as the late singer of Stone Temple Pilots, is actually singing on most of this track. Although STP aren't my all time favorite grunge band, I am a casual fan of theirs. Having Weiland sing some of the vocals here definitely elevates the song.

The song itself is structured as a duet between Weiland and Durst.

This song is definitely a slow build. Throughout its run time, it slowly adds instruments until it fills out completely. It's actually pretty good, I wish it were a track from one of Weiland's projects. This is the only song on the album I would choose to listen to on its own.

I wonder if Weiland's been on any other track---

[One Discogs search later]

Well that was unexpected...

Of all the things I thought I'd learn researching Limp Bizkit, seeing Weiland show up as  an additional producer on all but two tracks on Chocolate Starfish definitely isn't one of them. Even more shocking, this wouldn't even be the first time Weiland's helped out on a Limp Bizkit record. According to this MTV article from 2000, he also provided a lot of uncredited "guidance" on the band's previous album, Significant Other.

 Seriously, how do things like this happen?

Track 14: Rollin’ (Urban Assault Vehicle)

A rap remix of Rollin’?

Honestly, it was more enjoyable as a stupid Nu Metal song. And without the big dumb guitars, there’s more focus on the rappers who just want to brag and show off.

Look, I’m well aware that on some records, the same song does get put on an album twice. It’s called a redux, and it's usually done more toward the end of the album so the song’s meaning changes in the context of the narrative.

But “Urban Assault Vehicle” doesn’t seem to have that intent. I can’t really identify a narrative to the album, so it just seems like a way to pad out an album that started dragging several tracks ago.

Track 15: Outro

The whole track is just “studio noise” of celebrities who showed up during the recording of the album (apparently Ben Stiller does listen back), and talk about the band. Honestly, the guy riffing on the band was my only therapy for listening to this:

No, I’m just saying the message of being able

To slash someone’s ass, that’s a good message

To put out there.

At least someone was self-aware during the recording process. I just wish that person had been Fred Durst instead of the celebrity cameo.

...

And now I’m listening to the answering machine. Guys, the album is already an hour and 15 minutes long, you don’t need to keep padding it!

Conclusion:

If there's anything I got from listening to Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, it's that listening to music for ironic reasons doesn't necessarily make it enjoyable. 

However, calling this album irredeemably terrible wouldn't really be fair. On the positives, some of the band mates are pretty talented. After listening to this album in full, I get why fans like Wes Borland and the other members of the backing band so much. Maybe some fans just like the band itself.

The main problem with this band is Fred Durst himself, especially when it relates to the lyrics. With the notable exception of "Hold On," the lyrics for this album could never quite shake that "2edgy4me" vibe Durst seems to emanate.

Overall, if you want to listen to Chocolate Starfish, you should focus your attention on the backing band instead of Fred Durst. They seem to be the best part of the album. If you're new to the genre and want to start listening, Rage Against the Machine or Linkin Park are better places to begin. 

Just don't listen to music for ironic reasons like I did. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate_Starfish_and_the_Hot_Dog_Flavored_Water

https://www.discogs.com/Limp-Bizkit-Chocolate-Starfish-And-The-Hot-Dog-Flavored-Water/release/403050

http://www.mtv.com/news/1431250/stps-weiland-pitches-in-for-new-limp-bizkit-lp/ 

Lyrics:

http:www.azlyrics.com/